AVIN (JNS) _ Before we go, Juan's wife makes us a piece of wild boar Juan had shot the year before. We talk about Don Turribio and Rogelio.
Juan says he isn't muy amigo with Rogelio because of what happened in the war.
Juan's father spent more than five years in jail for nothing he says, and Rogelio's family was among those responsible.
Asturias was the region where the miners went on strike and the fascists retaliated hard. Juan still shakes his head in disbelief. My father remembers hearing about one man the fascists came looking for and couldn't find, so they killed his two sons.

Anyone who had a weapon of any kind, even a shotgun for hunting, risked arrest, Juan says, remembering how his father, before he was arrested, hid an antique shotgun in a mountain cabana and didn't tell his sons out of fear they would get in trouble.
Family members, meanwhile, walked two hours across the mountains to work for two pesetas a day in the mines, he remembers. Those who supported labor, or the elected republic were targeted by the fascists.
That's history, however, he says.
''Costo mucho trabajo ponerlo como esta,'' he says.
''It cost much work to put things as they are now,'' he says referring to the return of democracy and the current economic good times.
The shotgun, meanwhile, stayed for years in the cabana, no longer used for shelter while tending to sheep spending the summer grazing in the highlands. One day it was mentioned and someone who knew Juan's father remembered where it was hidden. They climbed up the mountain to the cabana found it wrapped in cloth.
Back at El Campu, Jesus, Ana's husband wasn't affected personally by the war, and is more concerned about the present. He can't understand why Spain became involved in Iraq and why the U.S. isn't more evenhanded in the Middle East.
On our way to La Coruna, we stop to say goodbye to Juan and I ask him to show me the gun . He pulls it out of a cabinet in his garage. It's now a little pitted with rust, but is a fine side-by-side 12-gauge with elaborately worked hammers that swing down to fire the shells.
It will still fire, he says.

WASHINGTON (JNS) _ President Bush unabashedly delivered a state of the uion address Tuesday night loaded with common buzz words, showing little concern for millions playing drinking games as they followed his speech at home.
``That wush the greatesh fucking speech ever....'' political science student Ralph Emerson said after watching the address with friends.
Repeatedly mentioning seniors, Medicare, Iraq and the military, Bush loaded up on the terms that prompt game players to drink under rules found on many Internet drinking game sites.

Although it is unclear whether Bush is aware of the rules, he is known to be a proponent of personal responsibility. That stance was criticized by some alcohol abuse counselors.
``For the president to constantly speak about Saddam Hussein and senior citizens is callous knowning what some people will do when they hear those words,'' said Bill Toatler, an alcoholism counselor.
Under rules posted at www.drinkinggame.us, players were told to drink one or more times for a variety of references during the speech, including:
_ The state of our union is strong…”
_ “men and women in/of our armed forces”
_ Iraq
_ Terror (however it’s pronounced)
_ Libya or Qaddafi
_ Saddam Hussein or Saddam
_ Weapons of Mass Destruction
_ nukular”
_ he uses a Bushism (i.e. says something that's not really a word, other than “nukular”)
_ Afghanistan or Hamid Karzai (or Pres. Karzai)
_ Loya Jirga
_ multilateral or multilateralism
_ Any word of 5 syllables or more
_ they show a military official in uniform who looks asleep

DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE BONUS GAME
_ "unilateral"
_ some reference to something the President hasn’t found (i.e. WMD, Osama, etc.)
_ “alienating our allies”
_ if you’ve never heard of the Democrats delivering the response
_ “Liar, liar, pants on fire”

By TELLY SAVALAS
Our JNS ``Made'' Guy
ANNAPOLIS, Md. (JNS) _ Unable to get his slots proposal past the state legislature, Gov. Robert Ehrlich announced new ``Double Down’’ lanes on all toll roads will take effect Monday.
The far-left lane at all toll booths will be reserved for E-Z Pass participants who want to take a chance on passing through the toll for free. Those who don’t win will be charged double and all will be entered in a $1 million monthly lottery.

Eventually, special gambling-only toll roads may be built for those who are not going anywhere, but just want to bet at the toll booth, the first-term Republican governor said.
``This just makes sense, if we don’t do it, someone else will,’’ Ehrlich said. ``And we can’t let that revenue go out of state.’’
Ehrlich, who has been stymied in his efforts to bring slots machines to Maryland tracks to close the budget gap and compete with tracks in neighboring states, said the idea may be expanded to other sectors of state government.
``Parking meters, income taxes, who knows? I’m just trying to think outside the box here.’’

By Alex Dominguez
JNS Special Correspondent
ISTANBUL, Turkey (JNS) _ President Bush today declared the founding of the United States of Arabia and launched its new currency _ the Aro.
``Just like when our country was started, nobody gets along,'' the president
said, flanked by the leaders of Turkey, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan and Palestine.
``Hopefully, they won't have a civil war like we did.''

The confederation, loosely modeled on the European Union, is designed to help develop the economies of the member countries, particularly Iraq and Palestine, by providing a common currency and open exchange of goods and services between the nations. Saudi oil, Palestinian labor, Jordanian almonds, and Syrian grain, for example, will flow more freely among the open markets.
``Foreign aid will only get us so far. We cannot be a welfare state forever relying on U.S. handouts for our defense and other needs,’’ Iraqi leader Ahmed Chalabi said.
``By providing acess for our products in the United States of Arabia and elsewhere we will be able to take advantage of the opportunity to work hard.’’

By ALEX DOMINGUEZ
JNS War Correspondent at Large
March 10, 2003 18:09
WASHINGTON (JNS) _ President Bush today declared France, Germany and Russia the `Axis of Weasel' for their ongoing opposition to a war on Iraq, reminding Americans to boycott Russian and German goods as well as French.
``I know many people have been dumping their cheese, wine and Camembert and refusing to sell anything French,'' the president said. ``And I understand that. I'd also like them to know there are a lot of sauerkraut eating, vodka swilling people who are also against this war.''
Bush said he has stopped stopped drinking beer and ``I'm not eating Beluga caviar, sauerkraut or borscht. That'll teach that Axis of Weasel.''

On a related matter, Homeland Security czar Tom Ridge said he has received reports that the Easter Bunny and a group of leprechauns have reverted to their pre-Christian pagan beliefs, raising concerns of terrorist attacks by the group. As a precaution, Ridge said he has raised the terror alert status from pastel blue to pastel yellow.

Posted by By Alex Dominguez on Saturday November 02, @05:02PM

from the fall of rome dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ For many days now, we have been engaged in a great struggle, a battle that has tested our perserverance and tried our patience.

The heart of empire’s infrastructure, its drainage system, has for some weeks been partially blocked. Whether by an inanimate object or malevolent force has not been determined.

Hard work and studious engineering, however, appear to have finally succeeded and initial results, although preliminary, show the toilet is again functioning normally _ our long night of slow flushing may be over.

We must remain on guard for any relapse, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank those who offered their support and services during this crisis, and pardon any who may have inadvertently brought this difficulty upon the empire.

By El Conde on Saturday October 13, @12:03AM
from the Who cares if it's a pipedream dept.

RAMALLAH, West Bank (JNS) _ Palestinian intellectuals are calling on Yasser Arafat to seize the opportunity presented by the United States’ coalition-building needs and take the moral high-ground with a nonviolent push for immediate statehood.
``I’m talking about some good, old-time, Gandhi-style, nonviolent, passive resistance,’’ said Ibrahim al Salam, a political science professor at the University of Palestine. ``A salt march to the sea, maybe a hunger strike for the victims of the World Trade Center and the intifada, but no rock throwing, no chanting, no flag burning.’’

``It’s time to turn the other cheek, and our back on terrorists. That’s the way we can show gratitude for recognition of our statehood.’’

Full cooperation with the hunt for terrorists will also show the United States that Palestine is willing to be a good neighbor on the international scene. Peaceful rallies, perhaps a nonviolent march in violation of travel restrictions, will show Palestinians are determined to have their own country, but are willing to live side-by-side with Israel, and even allow Israeli settlers to remain as Palestinian citizens.

``Hell, we might even throw in a love-in, 60s style,’’ al Salam said. ``If they mow us down, we’ll all be martyrs in paradise, but with a `Love American Style’ twist.’’

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon could not be reached for comment. Foreign Minister Shimon Peres said he was a great admirer of Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King, and was encouraged by the remarks.

``Remember what Martin Luther King said: `Gandhi was inevitable. If humanity is to progress, Gandhi is inescapable. He lived, thought and acted, inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony. We may ignore Gandhi at our own risk."

By Alex Dominguez
from the history of the empire dept.

CELANOVA, Ourense, España (JNS) _ Driving past the new housing project on the way to Newark airport, my father points to the grassy area under the power lines.

``Oughff, I can´t tell you how many rabbits we got there.´´

``Do you use a dog to hunt rabbits?,´´ his xinro, or son-in-law, Robin asks.

``Oh yeah, you have to use a dog. Chispa, she was a good dog. One time, she followed a rabbit for 2 ½ hours.´´

``Did you get the rabbit,´´ Robin asks.

``Yeah.´´

So begins the preparatory tour of Galicia for O Conde Pai´s Jubilee Tour (if England can have a Queen Mum, El Conde can have a Count Pop).

In 1956, my father took his new bride and his new Ford on a honeymoon tour of Portugal and northern Spain, where he had spent most of his life.

Born in West Virginia in 1931 to a coalminer from Andalucia, the family moved back to Spain the next year, first to Andalucia and then to Asturias, where O Conde Pai´s mother was from and then to La Facha, a small collection of homes near Celanova in rainy Galicia.

Almost 70 years later, we arrive in Porto late after a 12-hour delay in Paris – they tempted us with salmon over a saffron sauce at an airport restaurant to make up for the delay, but we were not to be diverted from our mission.

We stay the night in Porto, look at the kooky, curved prow, lapstrake planked river boats that used to bring barrels of wine down the Doure (River of Gold?) and drive the next morning to Celanova.

Our mission is to plan the recreation of that post-nuptial journey a half century earlier, when flush with the wealth from his newfound career as a mason-carpenter-dockhand, my father and mother took their honeymoon in that new, $3,000 Ford they had shipped to Lisboa ($350 round trip).

The stories are now legendary, how he invented free rock climbing on the cliffs near the Faros de Mera (the Mera lighthouses), working his way down to the pounding surf and back up to the thatch and flower covered moors above.

``I shot a bird and it fell down there. They said no one else had ever done that before,´´ O Conde Pai remembers.

``I was crazy about hunting then, so I borrowed a shotgun from a neighbor and drove out there. They said those birds were good to eat, but it was kind of dry.´´

No one in Mera had ever had a car before, either.

In La Facha, then an all day trip to the south, he was the first to have his car pulled from a rutted path by an ox (boi) after discovering the path wasn´t quite wide enough. Then he got four flats from the tacks used to reinforce the soles of the wooden field shoes used at the time (chancas in Ourense, thocas in Coruna).

As we motor through the rolling rocky hills, I think about how to describe the countryside and decide it helps if you hum the theme to the ``Andy Griffith Show´´ with a Spanish-Portuguese accent – small town Spain among the pines and under the cool blue skies.

By Alex Dominguez
from the It's not just the settlers dept.

GAZA CITY, Gaza (JNS) _ Yasser Arafat has secretly worked behind the scenes for years to scuttle a Palestinian state while accepting payments to store Israel’s growing nuclear arsenal on the West Bank, a political rival charged Thursday.

Palestinian police chief Ghazi al-Jabali dropped the political H-Bomb Thursday while announcing he would resign his post and run for president against Arafat.

Jabali's announcement came after Arafat tried to oust Jabali and Colonel Jibril Rajoub, the head of the West Bank preventive security service.

The former police chief said he made the discovery after learning of a United States Air Force report that says Israel’s nuclear arsenal has grown from an estimated 13 nuclear bombs in 1967 to 400, including a hydrogen bomb _ the first admission ever by the U.S. military that its Mideast ally has such a weapon.

``Did you ever notice how after all these years we still don’t have a state? Well, I did, and I finally put two and two together,’’ Jabali said. ``Where do you think they’re storing all these weapons. Tel Aviv?…’’

Jabali, who does not have any relation to the Jabali News Service, its affiliates or employees, said he planned to call for an immediate removal of the weapons if elected.

Jabali _ who also said he would convert the country to Catholicism, promote the production of pork, and seek to increase cultural and economic ties with Spain _ said he could no longer ignore the clues that Arafat was merely a puppet under the control of others.

``The Israelis bomb his headquarters, but never kill him. And Arafat just sits there, he could walk out and defy them, become a martyr, lead a non-violent march across the West Bank, even here to Gaza. But he never does,’’ Jabali said.

Israel's nuclear arsenal is being increased to respond to any nuclear strike by such countries as Iran or Iraq, according to the report by the U.S. Air Force’s Counterproliferation Center, based at Maxwell Air Force Base in Alabama.

In the report, entitled "The Third Temple's Holy of Holies: Israel's Nuclear Weapons," U.S. Army Col. Warner Farr said Israel's navy could deploy nuclear weapons on the fleet of three German-built Dolphin-class diesel submarines.

Israeli also exhibited intercontinental missile capability in May when it launched its Ofeq-5 satellite into orbit aboard a Shavit-class booster.

By Alex Dominguez
from the creative cruelty dept.

RAMALLAH, West Bank (JNS) _ Palestinian President Yasser Arafat ordered the State Highway Administration on Monday to install toll booths on all roads leading to Israeli settlements.

``The only way to prevent suicide bombings and other acts of terror is to provide hope to our people,’’ Arafat said. ``Toll-booth collector is an honorable profession.’’

The Palestinian leader said he was confident few of his people had seen ``The Godfather,’’ and Israeli motorists should feel safe approaching the toll booths.

For those concerned about their safety, high-speed EZPass lanes and booths will be constructed.

The toll will be $1, or $1,000 a month for the unlimited use EZPass. Revenues will be used to build homes for displaced Palestinians, Arafat said.

``Israeli commuting does not come cheap,’’ Arafat said.

By Will Rogers
from the down-home-on-the-farm dept.

CRAWFORD, Texas (JNS) _ President Bush rolled out the red carpet for British Prime Minister Tony Blair on Saturday, taking him for a ride on John Deere 1.
After meeting with his protocol advisers, Bush decided against a tour of his ranch in Pickup 1.

``Although it’s only a one-seater, we thought it would provide more of the authentic ranch experience,’’ White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said.

Unlike the current military campaign in Afghanistan, Bush and Blair took turns driving the tractor with the other standing on the sideboard.

Bush had proposed plowing under the back 40 acres he had recently purchased from the neighboring I-Rack ranch, but Blair has objected, saying their schedule is already too tight.

``While we realize this is a job that must be taken care of, this is not the right time, considering the pressing issues in Israel and Palestine,’’ Blair said.

By Alex Dominguez
from the Weapons of Mass Consumption dept.

TUPELO, Miss. (JNS) _ Mississippi, Tennessee and Alabama were declared the ``Axis of Elvis’’ on Thursday by President Bush for their continued development of weapons of mass consumption.

``While doctors and other people have been telling Americans for years that fat kills, retailers, restaurants and consumers in these three states continue to purchase and serve high-fat foods,’’ the president said at an appearance before a faith-based charity umbrella group.

Restaurant inspectors said they have frequently found industrial quantities of mayonnaise, hamburger, and even peanut butter in the three states.

Even healthy foods such as catfish and chicken breast were frequently found to be fried and served with a dipping sauce that was often little more than mayonnaise. In many cases, restaurants were not open when inspectors arrived, leaving inspectors no way to determine what was being served and how it was prepared.

``Despite years of warnings, these practices continue, against their own people. Something has to be done, even if we have to act alone,’’ Bush said.

Former President Clinton played down the concerns, noting any food can be enjoyed healthfully in moderation, and said he would push for pardons if charges are filed.

``I feel yorgh pehcnrgh, excuse me,’’ the former president said, wiping his lips.

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Friday September 14, @09:40AM

from the Enlightened Approach dept.

NEW YORK (JNS) _ The antebellum South, Germany and Japan are the models for dealing with Islamic radicalism across the developing world, one geopolitical analyst argues.
All three were destroyed and rebuilt after rising up against the United States.

While Germany and Japan had educated populations and developed economies when they challenged the United States, America should not shy away from the challenge of modernizing underdeveloped countries, said Steve Kent, a historian at Montclair College.

Unlike Japan and Germany, the United States does not have to destroy states such as Pakistan and Afghanistan, but reform or replace their leadership and guide their development.

``We went to the moon, we can do this,’’ Kent said.

The arrests and prosecution of terrorists, even if it requires the use of U.S. troops on their soil, and the exposure of Muslim populations to the benefits of Western capitalism will go a long way toward avoiding continuing conflict, Kent said. The prosecution of terrorists will provide a sense of justice and respect for the rule of law. The use of troops is risky, but would start the process of interaction and exposure to outside cultures, Kent said.

``It’s a amazing what a few chocolate bars and televisions can do,’’ he said.

Islamic history is replete with periods of religious tolerance, most notably medieval Spain, where Muslims were at the height of their power and lived harmoniously with Catholics and Jews, Kent noted.

``A broader world view will show the average citizen that Islamic fundamentalists have twisted their religion,’’ Kent said.

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Posted by Alex Dominguez,
JNS Special Correspondent
on Saturday August 25, @02:08PM

from the Who Cares If It's a Pipedream dept.

WACO, Texas (JNS) _ Realizing a sufficient ceasefire to implement the Mitchell Plan will never occur, President Bush called Saturday for a ``good fences/good neighbors’’ approach to the Middle East war process.

``Just like in boxing, we have to break this clinch, separate these two fighters before we move on to the next round,’’ Bush said from his Waco-area ranch after a meal of brisket, beef, cheddar, cheese, lettuce, salad, lager and beer.

``The Israelis and Palestinians should go back to their corners.’’

A peace plan developed by former Sen. George Mitchell calls for the two sides to implement confidence-building measures such as a freeze on Israeli settlements after a cooling-off period.

Bush, however, called on the Israelis to pull their settlers out of the West Bank and Gaza strip and build a fence around the West Bank similar to the fence around the Gaza strip. The president also called on Israel to open access to Egypt from the Gaza strip and Jordan from the West Bank, allowing the Palestinians to trade with those two countries for supplies. Access to Israel, however, should be virtually eliminated to prevent attacks, the president said.

``Once the two sides show they can get along, and act like human beings, civilized countries that can live next to each other like Mexico and Guatarica, maybe then Israel should consider opening the border,’’ Bush said.

By Alex Dominguez on Tuesday May 22, @09:41AM

from the Return of the international eat-boy dept.

The Count of Baltimore arrived in Madrid on Sunday on his way to attend the wedding of Jorge Sanchez Romeralez in the Extremeña town of Badajoz.
Here´s his personal account of his first two days in Madrid.

Sitting next to a man named Girson on the plane, I learned he lives in Los Angeles and is the son of Ecuadorians. He is taking a guided tour of Spain to learn about the country that colonized his parent´s native country.

After he asked about shuttle service from the airport to his hotel, I offered to drive him to his hotel on Calle Antonio Lopez, and we set out on a mini-driving adventure in my rented Opel Vectra.

We couldn´t find the hotel on the map provided by the rental car company, so we stopped first off the Gran Via where an old man at the cafe-bar tried to ignore us at first while he served street cleaners in bright green and yellow nylon jumpsuits.

``Buf, lejos. No se exactamente. Y un barrio peligroso,´´ he said.

``De verdad? Pues, el tiene reservacion en el hotel y tiene que ir alli,´´ I said explaining we didn´t care how far away or safe the neighborhood was because he had hotel reservations.

``Si, si, estan enamoradas,´´ he said, accusing us of being gay.

We left, and some actual homosexuals outside told us it was near the soccer stadium. A taxi driver along the way set us straight and we arrived at the hotel, in a beautiful neighborhood, a half hour later.

I also checked in to the immaculate Hotel Praga (13,000 pesetas, $70) because I was exhausted and took a shower in the stone-tiled splendor of my room.

I then met Girson in the lobby and we went to lunch before he had to meet with his tour group. We strolled down the street and stopped in at a place with wrought iron work encasing the windows and stuffed animals - pheasant, foxes, etc. - decorating the interior.

I ordered the sweetbreads (mollejas) with asparagus, followed by tiny lamb chops. Girson - who told me his name was Jewish in origin, but he was named for a Brazilian soccer star - ordered artichoke hearts with mushrooms. We both had Cuban cigars (I had a Fonseca and Girson had a Monte Cristo) and some coffee before driving to the Parque del Buen Retiro for the mandatory post-prandial paseo or walk.

Girson remarked about the diversity of the crowd - ``Bring it on. Unless a culture attracts people and provides opportunity, it dies,´´ I replied.

While watching Incan pan flute players in front of the rowboat lake, a gypsy woman grabbed my hand, gave me some rosemary and told me I was simpatico and lucky, but had mal de ojo and invidio.

I gave her 100 pts for the rosemary and she cursed me, saying I owed her for the palm-reading as well.

After saying good-bye to Girson, I took a nap and then went for a walk down Calle Antonio Lopez to where it runs into the Glorieta (traffic circle) Vadillo in front of the ancient, and no longer used, bridge to Toledo that crosses the Manzanares river. The bridge is now a giant terrace with hundreds of seats set out for people to take in the night air while drinks are served from cafes set up under tents and traffic from the highway alongside the river whirs by in the background.

On the way back, I had some grilled Navajas (razor clams) and boquerones (anchovies in vinegar) at the Marisceria La Pradera, where I told the men at the counter my family is from Galicia, in northwestern Spain.

Galicia has the best water for shellfish in the world, they said.

``There´s a saying in Spain - God´s hand touched Galicia, and you can tell because it has five rivers,´´ one of the men said.

``He was probably looking for St. James,´´ I replied, referring to Santiago de Campostella, where the body of the apostle is said to be buried.

While we were talking a small boy walked in and asked for water.

``Gracias,´´ he said putting the glass down on the stainless steel counter.

``You know, it´s the same at my coffee shop in Baltimore,´´ I said. ``Kids are always coming in and asking for water.´´

``And do you give it to them,´´´the man said.

``Como no?´´ or ``Why not?´´ I replied.

``Well, you know, those hamburger places, they don´t give out water, unless it´s a bottle of mineral water for sale,´´ he said. ``And most of their customers are children.´´

The next day I left the hotel and moved downtown to a small dingy hotel near the Puerto del Sol where I stayed for two days for 4,000 pesetas ($22).

The second day, I walked behind the San Miguel market, and five or six blocks away found a vacant lot overgrown with trees behind a restaurant. The wall surrounding it was a mess and a young man with a motorcycle emerged from within, but I loved it because birds were in the trees inside singing while two blocks away buses and taxis growled and beeped .

The side street Calle Almendro, Almond Street, is apparently named for one of the largest trees on the lot. As I listened to the birds, a neighbor´s parrot squawked quietly, trying to elicit a response from the chirping birds behind the walls and iron and wood gates.

A German Shepherd watched above from the little balcony of a nearby apartment, whose owners had left the floor-to-ceiling window/doors open so the dog could enjoy the fresh May air and watch the neighborhood.

A cigar would be nice now, I thought and bought a Punch Punch at a nearby estanco (920 pesetas, $5) and then stopped in the Restaurant El Schotis for a beer.

Continuing my walk, I wound up at the market at the Plaza de la Cebada, where I watched a man at a fish stall debone and clean a long silver fish called a pescadilla with the largest triangular cleaver I have ever seen. I soon saw most of the butchers and fishmongers using them.

Nearby, a butcher was selling cochinillos, or suckling pigs (2,500 pts/kilo), veal, and other meats, flattening the veal filets he cut with a smooth, fist-sized stone.

Time for lunch, I thought, and stopped in a small bar several blocks way called Bar La Esperanza (corner of Calle de Bailen and Calle de Angosta de los Mancebos, just down from the Palacio Real.)

There the bartender explained to me what I had seen at the market earlier. What appeared to be twine wrapped around two parallel twigs, was zarajo, or tripa de cordero - lamb tripe.

The tripe, fried and served with lemon, is a typical dish from Cuenca - the town east of Madrid where the houses are built hanging from cliffs.

The bartender hacked the wound tripe into four pieces - two disc shaped pieces from the center of the round lump and what remained wound around each twig.

The pieces around the stick came out much crunchier, and were less gamey and liver-like than the less well-done center pieces. The tripe came liberally salted and once the lemon was squeezed over it, the crunchy parts were delicious. I finished them all, picking the last bits with my teeth from the twigs, which I saved as a souvenir.

The whole meal, grilled chorizo sausage, manchego cheese, tripe, olives, bread, three short beers and coffee, was $1,950 pesetas, about $11.>p>

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Re: El Conde returns to Spain for Jorge´s wedding
by Candelo, El Pajarito Del Conde on Wednesday May 23, @07:38PM

El Conde me abandono! Estoy aqui en el bano ... solo! Kate viene cada dia para molestarme. Tres veces ho gustado el sangre de esta bruja. Soy seguro que esta tratando de matarme. Ella viene con papas y "ice cream" envenados. When she complained about my squawking, I tried to remove her ear. When she tried to remove me from her ear, I tried to remove her finger(and almost succeeded!) Everyday I bite her, and still she comes! Tomorrow I will peck out her eyes!!
And when the Count returns, I will commence anew my Days of Rage!!!!!

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Friday April 06, @07:36PM

from the Did you expect different? dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ A deli-owner standing in the way of the expansion of Mercy Medical Center does not qualify for business relocation aid, city officials reportedly have decided.

Unlike the convicted heroin trafficker from Owings Mills who was given $165,000 to move his shoe store three doors down _ including $140,000 for shoes he did not want to move _ the deli owner does not have the ability to launder large amounts of cash, or spread political donations across a large operation, sources tell the Jabali News Service.

``This is exactly the kind of business we don't need. This guy hardly gets by himself,'' said one City Hall source. ``How's that kind of business going to provide the steady stream of donations that we need?''

One jewelry store owner was also given $650,000 to offset his relocation costs, even though the city was not obligated to pay anything to the business owners. Mayor Martin O'Malley has urged city officials to go out of their way to help displaced businesses, despite the fact the city is facing a budget deficit he says may require him to raise taxes, lay off 500 city workers, and cut services.

Comptroller Joan Pratt has asked the city's auditor to review the west side relocation deals.

In the case of the deli owner, city officials are proposing to use the city's power of condemnation to demolish a law office building containing the deli, and three adjacent vacant buildings. The buildings are to be demolished to make way for a new cancer center at the hospital.

``I think it's unfair. The hospital is backdooring us by going through the city to condemn us instead of talking to us face to face," Matt Vigil, a native American who has run the deli for 11 years, told The (Baltimore) Sun.

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Posted by Alex Dominguez on Thursday February 22, @06:54PM

from the Who's-really-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt's death is being viewed by some as a political assassination _ prompted by reports he was considering forming a political party with former professional wrestler and Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura.
``Think about it. Combining the two most powerful cultural phenomena in America today, NASCAR and the WWF,'' said a source close to neighborhood secret agent Dack McSwain. ``How could that ticket not win the White House? George W. proved anybody can win.''

Ernhardt, 49, was at the age where many consider leaving the track and he was reportedly considering politics.

His racetrack success gave him the name recognition and the money needed to mount an independent run for governor of his home state of North Carolina. While Ventura used name recognition, others point to the campaign waged by Jon Corzine, the wealthy investment banker who bankrolled his way into a Senate seat in New Jersey.

Earnhardt had both, political observers noted.

Corzine, a Democrat making his first run for public office, spent more than $60 million to beat Republican Robert D. Franks in his bid for the seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Frank R. Lautenberg.

After one term in office, Earnhardt would have the political viability to team with Ventura in an unbeatable North-South middle-of-the-road ticket.

``When you have kids across half the country learning to count by saying `One, two, Earnhardt,' that's pretty tough to beat,'' said the source, referring to the driver's car number three.

Speculation centers around the emergency personnel who first reached Earnhardt after the crash, which many say didn't look severe enough to kill the Winston Cup all-star.

``That's why so many people have a hard time believing that was an accident. When you look at the tape, he didn't hit the wall that hard, and the guy in that car next to him walked away.''

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BROKEN SEATBELT: Does this sound like an accident?
by Alex Dominguez on Friday February 23, @07:59PM

You heard it hear first at the Jabali News Service! The following statement only proves what we first reported the night before the seatbelt news broke!
Statement From
Simpson Performance Products Inc.

Statement from Bill Simpson, founder and chairman of Simpson Performance Products Inc., which made the seat belt Dale Earnhardt wore when he was killed in a Daytona 500 wreck. NASCAR said the belt was found to be broken.

It is very distressing to lose a good friend and great competitor like Dale Earnhardt. It was also distressing to hear this morning that a seat belt that we produced came apart during his fatal crash.

Having tested and produced seat belts for the motorsports industry for more than 43 years, we have never seen a seat belt come apart in the manner that occurred. Our seat belts, when properly installed, won't fail.

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Friday February 16, @06:36PM

from the It could be true dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ IT Minister Jason Lewis won't lose his job for an anti-Amish tirade at a Fells Point bar, the Ministry of Information reported Friday.

``While repugnant, we believe the outburst was out-of-character for Minister Lewis,'' the ministry said in a statement. ``The minister has apologized and agreed to seek counseling.''

Sources close to the Jabali High Command say Minister Lewis apparently had dangerously mixed cognac and espresso, known as a `Low-Rent Speedball' and was not in full command of his faculties.

Lewis repeatedly taunted two bearded bar patrons he suspected of being Amish, witnesses said.

``Hey, hey, what's this? `Clip, clop, clip, clop. Bang!? An Amish drive-by shooting,'' Lewis reportedly said.

``Wait, wait, I've got another one. How about the Amish guys who went to a strip bar and started chanting `Put it on, put it all on!''' Lewis also said, according to witnesses.

Despite being asked to leave, Lewis persisted, at one point exclaiming, ``Hey, let's post these jokes to a website, they'll never see it.''

Lewis eventually left after the bartender threatened to call police, witnesses said.

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The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them.
( Reply )

Re: Jason won't lose job for Anti-Amish remarks
by Mind your business on Friday February 16, @06:51PM

How come Jason didn't apologize himself in that article. Where is he? Re-education camp I'm afraid.

[ Reply to this ]

Re: Jason won't lose job for Anti-Amish remarks
by jason on Saturday February 24, @03:12AM

i'll apologize when the damn Amish apologize for raising that barn on my foot. I was on crutches for a month!

the Amish can kiss my technologically adavanced ass... and if there are any Amish reading this... you're going to burn in hell for using the internet! how do ya like them apples?!?

i like my technology, and if the amish can't be bothered to check their email, who needs them?

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Sunday December 24, @11:58AM

from the dept.

I have spent much of this year arguing over the causes of violence and can sum up my position with the following statement:

Anytime one group is in power, it is incumbent upon that group to treat all groups below it exactly as members of that group treat their own group. Anytime this does not happen, the lower group feels slighted, and it is only a matter of time before they protest.

The crux of my message is based in the response to those who say ``Why should we support those who don’t work as hard as we do, or who are not as smart, or who do not have as much money?’’

The key is growth, all nation’s empires, companies, etc. either grow, decline or stagnate. To grow you must attract employees, citizens, etc. by providing opportunity. Those who seek to merely profit from another group eventually sow distrust. Those who legitimately try to create wealth, even among the less fortunate, create a self-sustaining system.

This process, of course, means those in charge must reinvest in their enterprises, and not merely live off sweat of their lower classes. They must reject the trappings of wealth _ greed, laziness, elitism, materialism _ and concentrate on furthering their concern through continuing education of themselves and those beneath them and by reinvesting in their system, whether it is governmental infrastructure such as roads and schools, or new factory equipment.

And they must provide true upward mobility to all, even if it means their group will no longer be in charge because they can rest in the comfort that their group will be treated as fairly as they treated the other groups.

Posted by Bill Kvetch on Wednesday December 13, @10:35PM

from the It all works out dept.

WASHINGTON (JNS) _ George W. Bush's White House victory has freed Democrats to return to their rightful place in society - the downtrodden, critic of the upper class.

``Let the whining begin,'' said Nathan Bukowski, a liberal arts professor at New York University.

``I was so tired of listening to Rush Limbaugh fret about Clinton's sex life. Now, it's our turn to carp from the sidelines and try to bring down Bush.''

Complaining about how things should be is very difficult while in power, although the Republican-led Congress provided plenty of wiggle room, he said.

The victory frees blacks, Hispanics, women and Jews to resume full-time criticism of a white-run American society that just doesn't get it.

``The death penalty alone will keep the faxes humming for years,'' Bukowski said.

Republicans, meanwhile, can return to their now comfortable role of stubborn, self-righteous defensiveness. ``Thank God, and I really mean that, now we can return to snide comments about unions and lazy welfare-cheating workers,'' said Granfield Baker III.

Posted by Tony Two-Fingers on Friday December 08, @05:55PM

from the sleight-of-hand department dept.

WASHINGTON (JNS) _ Three-card monty dealers, casino workers and bank tellers are desperately needed to help with the Florida recount, Al Gore and Joe Lieberman said Friday.
A sharply divided Florida Supreme Court ruled Friday that manual recounts should begin immediately, prompting even more legal action.

``We know this might sound a little distasteful, but politics is like sausage-making. Sometimes, you don't want to see it done,'' Lieberman said.

``We need people who are used to working quickly with their hands. Time is of the essence here, and who is better prepared for this task than card dealers? Especially if you want to win.''

The recount ruling could cover as many as 45,000 ballots in dozens of counties.

``Because time is of the essence, the recount shall commence immediately,'' court spokesman Craig Waters said.

The ruling followed shortly after two trial court judges denied a request by Democrats to throw out 25,000 absentee ballots in Seminole and Martin counties.

The court ruling also apparently added 383 votes to Gore's total, cutting Texas Gov. George W. Bush's 537-vote lead to a slimmer 154 votes. The winner of Florida's disputed 25 electoral votes wins the White House.

The Republican controlled state legislature, however, was pushing ahead in a special session to appoint their own slate of electors for the Texas governor.

Posted by Guy Lombardo on Tuesday November 28, @09:33PM

from the It was only a matter of time dept.

OTTAWA (JNS) _ Al Gore and Joe Lieberman have asked the Supreme Court to include votes from Canada's recent federal election in the U.S. presidential election, noting Canadians vacation so frequently in Florida they should be counted as citizens.
``Why do you think Florida has all these hockey teams? Coincidence? I think not,'' Lieberman said.

Gore and Lieberman were popular write-in candidates during the recently concluded Canadian election, and many want to live in the U.S., especially Florida, Lieberman said.

``These voters spend a significant amount of time in Florida, certainly as much as many U.S. military personnel or those who live part-time in New York or Israel,'' Lieberman said.

Gore asked the Supreme Court to rule quickly before the spring thaw melts some Yukon votes, which were etched in ice, the so-called arctic butterfly ballot.

Gore and Lieberman have been asking for recounts of the Florida presidential election, the key to winning the White House.

The stories they couldn't keep you from reading

Posted by Your Emperor on Friday November 17, @10:03AM

from the Can't keep us down dept.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Here's the text of the full story JNS put out using its vast e-mail list on Thursday as the shadow govt. was trying to suppress this information. Since then, Dack McSwain has confirmed the report saying ``Everything isn't always what it seems...''

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ The shadow government hacked the Jabali web site to prevent the release of a Jabali News Service report about ties between Israeli arms sales to China and the Gore campaign.

Emperor Alex Dominguez immediately said he suspected neighborhood secret agent Dack McSwain, who publicly dismissed the report.

``He's paranoid, no one believes that stuff,'' McSwain said.

However, Jabali systems administrator Halcyon Skinner said the hacker, or hackers, were extremely sophisticated and had been able to plant a backdoor in the Empire's command and control system. Further attacks are still possible, but Skinner said ``we will know how to respond'' if hackers strike again.

The hackers diverted all attempts to access the Jabali web site to eBay, the popular online auction site. The Jabali site was unavailable from Wednesday afternoon to Thursday afternoon.

Skinner said the backdoor had been in place for some time, and he was not sure why the site was brought down on Wednesday. The hacking occurred as the Jabali News Service was preparing to post an article on the ongoing Florida recount in the presidential election. JNS reported that the Gore team is desperately seeking to keep the White House in Democratic hands because Texas Gov. George W. Bush can?t be counted on to keep the secret arms deals under wraps.

Sources tell JNS that Bush is known to be a loose cannon, who can't be bought and can't keep his mouth shut. Moreover, there are concerns that the growing enmity between Gore and Bush will prompt Bush to make the arms sales public even though they could harm his administration as well. The deals reportedly included campaign donations by Israeli arms interests to the Democratic campaign in exchange for turning a blind eye to the deals.

While McSwain publicly disavowed any knowledge of the hacking or the Chinese arms deal, sources say he tried to convince his superiors to ignore the issue, fearing such hacking would only draw attention to the claims.

``He's just making this stuff up in his spare time. If he hits on the truth, who's going to believe him? But no, they think he's got some inside line, so they post me here, to Baltimore, and now I've got to hang out in that stupid coffee shop trying to keep him off track,'' McSwain said.

``What's worse is, he hits it on the head and they go ape-shit, so I've got to hack the site, and now he's got more story line for his stupid little soap opera and people think it's funny, so he's actually getting the story out. Jesus Christ, do you believe this shit? And I could be out somewhere actually doing some wet-ops, but, no, I've got to be here babysitting this guy.''

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Posted by Cancer Man on Thursday November 09, @04:04PM

from the Vox populi dept.

By ALEX DOMINGUEZ
JNS Special Correspondent

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ Supporters of president-elect? George W. Bush took to streets nationwide Thursday, chanting ``Maximus, Maximus!''

The chant refers to the hit-film ``Gladiator,'' in which a popular Roman general sold into slavery manages to remain alive by winning over the crowd in the Coliseum, which begins to chant his name, preventing Caesar from killing him.

``I think this speaks to deep-seated confusion among the electorate in discriminating between reality and the popular media,'' said Xavier Presciente, a psychology professor at Brown University.

``This is compounded by the feeling among some that the Hollywood media elite has had too much influence on Washington politics.''

Presciente noted the presence of actor and director Rob Reiner in Nashville election night, where he was reportedly seeking out Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore at 5 a.m. Wednesday in case he wanted ``company.''

``Such incidents confuse the voter,'' Presciente said. ``This chanting could be seen as a subconscious emanation of concern about undue manipulation by the media elite, a sort of cry to let the people have their voices heard.''

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Posted by M. Cervantes on Sunday September 10, @08:01PM

from the Not those idiots again dept.

BADAJOZ, Espana (JNS) _ El Conde de Baltimore wrapped up his Iberian Tour 2000 with a visit to Extremadura to meet with the Conde de Badajoz for discussions on regional issues.

El Conde, Formula 1 driver John Sullivan, and Jorge Sanchez Romerales, the Count of Badajoz, toured the Sanchez family estate, attended a bullfight in nearby Alburquerque, were feted at Extremadura Day festivities, and toured Roman ruins in Merida during the three-day visit.

In Alburquerque, the three attended a type of bullfight known as ``rejoneo,'' in which the bull is fought from horseback.

Unlike the more traditional form of bullfighting where the matador eludes the bull's horns with his capework, rejoneo matadors use horsemanship to tire and eventually kill the bull using a long lance.

The mounted matadors conduct all aspects of the bull fight, placing a series of picks in the bull's back to weaken the shoulders before killing him.

The bulls in the corrida at first charged the horse without provocation, and the immaculately dressed matadors had to approach carefully. The horsemen almost always guided their prancing mounts to dodge right and then left, causing the bull to charge off course and allowing the horse to circle around the bull so the matador could plant the barbs.

The first is placed with a spring-loaded staff that unfurls a flag once the barb is left in the bull's back. The bull then chases the flag trailing from the staff, further tiring himself.

Later, the matadors sidestep their mounts in front of the charging bulls, placing smaller barbs by hand, cantering in circles at times ahead of the now sweating and heavily bleeding bull.

Good performances in front of the bull's horns were cheered. If the events proceeded too slowly, or if the bull was not killed cleanly, however, whistling would emerge from in the crowd of about 1,000 gathered in the maroon and white stucco ring overlooking a nearby castle and the brown countryside.

The second bull of the six-bull card prompted much derisive whistling.

The bull was reluctant at first to participate in his own death, refusing to charge and sitting down at one point, prompting a cheer of ``Que viva el toro!,'' or ``long live the bull,'' from El Conde de Baltimore. The count's family hails from the northwestern region of Galicia, where bullfighting is not popular.

``I think the Count was impressed by the bull's bargaining position. It's obvious that these executions can't continue without the participation of the condemned. Hopefully, this will serve as an example for others,'' said Bradley Leffield, a professor of international relations at Brown University and a member of Death Penalty Watch, an anti-death penalty group.

Earlier Friday, the trio visited Sanchez' large ranch, where they inspected the boars, cattle, sheep and horses at the estate.

On Saturday, the three traveled to Merida and toured the Roman arena and amphitheater in the city, which once was a regional Roman capital, before El Conde de Baltimore and Mr. Sullivan returned to the United States on Sunday.

Mr. Sullivan, however, was frustrated during the visit in his attempts to procure a serving of tecula-mecula, a mysterious dish also known as the ``forbidden pastry'' because it is too heavy to be served as a dessert.

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from the shorn-scalp dept.
ANNAPOLIS, Md. (JNS) _ Hundreds of teen-agers descend on this otherwise sleepy state capital each June, shaving their heads and donning strange clothes as part of an annual ritual, sources say.

The recruits talk of four hard years of preparation before they will board `ships' for foreign lands. Others say they hope to fly smaller craft into space, and many readily admit they may be killed, but act unconcerned about that prospect. Their parents in many cases willingly bring them to the walled compound.

The June induction of the teens, known as `plebes,' is an annual recruiting event for the group, known to its members as `The Navy,' sources say.

Members have been responsible for thousands, if not millions of deaths, at home and abroad, and its influence reaches into the highest levels of power.

Former president Jimmy Carter and independent presidential candidate Ross Perot rank among its members, JNS has learned.

"The Navy is one of the largest military organizations in the world, and has an immense budget and facilities worldwide, a source told JNS.

In addition to their training, recruits also engage in unusual activities such as climbing a greased, stone phallic symbol to retrieve a hat place at its top by more senior members of the group.

Despite its history, members of the community act unaware, or unconcerned about the activities of the youths behind the walls of the compound they call "The Academy."

The leader of the group is a shadowy figure most have not met and few could recognize, but who is followed blindly. The leader, known mostly as "The Admiral," answers in turn to another called "The President," but many speak disdainfully of him, calling him "Billary," sources say.

Despite often derogatory remarks, the president often speaks highly of the group, perhaps out of fear, calling its members brave and loyal defenders of the country. These accolades aside, one deposed president once spoke out against the cult, which he described as part of a larger military industrial complex.

Others say the cult is a drain on national resources which could be better used elsewhere, and needs to be constantly watched.

"Remember, absolute power corrupts absolutely," a source told JNS.