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September 26, 2001
``Pork, because you can’’ replaces ``Other White Meat'' slogan

By Harry Browne on Wednesday September 26, @04:09PM
from the don't fence me in dept.

DES MOINES, Iowa (JNS) _ The National Pork Producer’s Council has decided to replace its longstanding ``Other White Meat’’ slogan in the wake of the recent terrorist attacks on New York and Washington.
The new slogan ``Pork, because you can’’ is designed to take advantage of the wave of patriotism that has followed the attacks, believed to have been carried out by radical Muslim extremists, whose religion forbids them from eating pork.

``Isn’t it great to be here in America where we can sit down to a meal of porkchops, or bacon, or salami? Show you’re a proud American and eat as you please,’’ said Bert Cerdo, a spokesman for the marketing group.

Other phrases that had been considered to promote pork were ``Still legal in America,’’ and ``Extremism in the defense of pork is no vice.’’

Posted by Alex at 04:09 PM
September 15, 2001
That’s the best you fucking got?

By Alex Dominguez, JNS Special Correspondent on Saturday September 15, @10:21AM
from the Should have let sleeping dogs lie dept.
BALTIMORE (JNS) _ The following is an open letter from the editorial staff of the Jabali News Service.

To the terrorist assholes this may concern:

We woke up in comfortable beds this morning, went downstairs and had some breakfast. The power is still on, the television works, the Internet is running.

You obviously don’t have any troops to attack us with, and you’re not going to get any more planes.

The rescue continues in New York and the stock market is closed for a while, but there’s still plenty of money in the bank and plenty of food at the supermarket. We’re not selling stocks on Monday, we’re probably buying more.

We’re also not going to lash out at our Arab neighbors and give them a reason to join your radical fringe. Worse for you, we’re probably heading to your base of support to get you and win over your followers with capitalism and kindness.

Posted by Alex at 10:21 AM
September 14, 2001
Germany, Japan, Afghanistan?

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Friday September 14, @09:40AM

from the Enlightened Approach dept.

NEW YORK (JNS) _ The antebellum South, Germany and Japan are the models for dealing with Islamic radicalism across the developing world, one geopolitical analyst argues.
All three were destroyed and rebuilt after rising up against the United States.

While Germany and Japan had educated populations and developed economies when they challenged the United States, America should not shy away from the challenge of modernizing underdeveloped countries, said Steve Kent, a historian at Montclair College.

Unlike Japan and Germany, the United States does not have to destroy states such as Pakistan and Afghanistan, but reform or replace their leadership and guide their development.

``We went to the moon, we can do this,’’ Kent said.

The arrests and prosecution of terrorists, even if it requires the use of U.S. troops on their soil, and the exposure of Muslim populations to the benefits of Western capitalism will go a long way toward avoiding continuing conflict, Kent said. The prosecution of terrorists will provide a sense of justice and respect for the rule of law. The use of troops is risky, but would start the process of interaction and exposure to outside cultures, Kent said.

``It’s a amazing what a few chocolate bars and televisions can do,’’ he said.

Islamic history is replete with periods of religious tolerance, most notably medieval Spain, where Muslims were at the height of their power and lived harmoniously with Catholics and Jews, Kent noted.

``A broader world view will show the average citizen that Islamic fundamentalists have twisted their religion,’’ Kent said.

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Posted by Alex at 09:40 AM
Kill!!!!! Unleash the dogs of war!!!!!

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Friday September 14, @07:26AM

from the Exterminate the vermin dept.

NEW YORK (JNS) _ Kill! Kill, kill, kill, kill!
That’s the mandate in response to Tuesday’s suicide jet attacks on New York and Washington.

``I don’t want to hear any bullshit about justice or finding those responsible. I want every fucking towel-head vaporized,’’ said defense analyst Steven Fragem.

``If innocent women and children are killed so we can eliminate this menace, that’s just the cost of doing business,'' Fragem said. ``Maybe those women and children should have thought of that when Bin Laden was bombing us.’’

Others called for Arab Americans to be put in camps as the Japanese were in World War II.

``How many are there in the U.S., 6 million? We could fit them in Utah,’’ said Daryl Swain, president of America for Americans, a Muncie, Ind. civic group.

``Bombing the federal building in Oklahoma was one thing, those were Americans doing the bombing, but this is something else.’’

America’s staunchest allies also expressed their support for the eradication of the globe’s 1.2 billion Muslims.

``Now, maybe you’ll listen to us,’’ said Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.

Once the nuclear glow cools down, Afghanistan and Pakistan will make excellent mini-storage and warehousing sites for products waiting to be shipped to America, Fragem said.

``Glass parking lots are very easy to plow in the winter,’’ he said.

On another front, the Jabali News Service has learned the hijackers involved in Tuesday’s attacks also used dental floss to tie up the crew and passengers after threatening them with box cutters, unnamed sources said.

The hijackers crashed two of the jets into the twin towers at the World Trade Center, and a third into the Pentagon. The fourth crashed in Pennsylvania.

``As hard as it is to believe, that’s all that was needed,’’ the source said.

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Posted by Alex at 07:26 AM