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February 22, 2001
^Earnhardt Accident?: Conspiracy seen in racer's death<

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Thursday February 22, @06:54PM

from the Who's-really-pulling-the-strings-behind-the-scenes dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt's death is being viewed by some as a political assassination _ prompted by reports he was considering forming a political party with former professional wrestler and Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura.
``Think about it. Combining the two most powerful cultural phenomena in America today, NASCAR and the WWF,'' said a source close to neighborhood secret agent Dack McSwain. ``How could that ticket not win the White House? George W. proved anybody can win.''

Ernhardt, 49, was at the age where many consider leaving the track and he was reportedly considering politics.

His racetrack success gave him the name recognition and the money needed to mount an independent run for governor of his home state of North Carolina. While Ventura used name recognition, others point to the campaign waged by Jon Corzine, the wealthy investment banker who bankrolled his way into a Senate seat in New Jersey.

Earnhardt had both, political observers noted.

Corzine, a Democrat making his first run for public office, spent more than $60 million to beat Republican Robert D. Franks in his bid for the seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Frank R. Lautenberg.

After one term in office, Earnhardt would have the political viability to team with Ventura in an unbeatable North-South middle-of-the-road ticket.

``When you have kids across half the country learning to count by saying `One, two, Earnhardt,' that's pretty tough to beat,'' said the source, referring to the driver's car number three.

Speculation centers around the emergency personnel who first reached Earnhardt after the crash, which many say didn't look severe enough to kill the Winston Cup all-star.

``That's why so many people have a hard time believing that was an accident. When you look at the tape, he didn't hit the wall that hard, and the guy in that car next to him walked away.''

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BROKEN SEATBELT: Does this sound like an accident?
by Alex Dominguez on Friday February 23, @07:59PM

You heard it hear first at the Jabali News Service! The following statement only proves what we first reported the night before the seatbelt news broke!
Statement From
Simpson Performance Products Inc.

Statement from Bill Simpson, founder and chairman of Simpson Performance Products Inc., which made the seat belt Dale Earnhardt wore when he was killed in a Daytona 500 wreck. NASCAR said the belt was found to be broken.

It is very distressing to lose a good friend and great competitor like Dale Earnhardt. It was also distressing to hear this morning that a seat belt that we produced came apart during his fatal crash.

Having tested and produced seat belts for the motorsports industry for more than 43 years, we have never seen a seat belt come apart in the manner that occurred. Our seat belts, when properly installed, won't fail.

Posted by Alex at 06:45 PM
February 16, 2001
Jason won't lose job for Anti-Amish remarks

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Friday February 16, @06:36PM

from the It could be true dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ IT Minister Jason Lewis won't lose his job for an anti-Amish tirade at a Fells Point bar, the Ministry of Information reported Friday.

``While repugnant, we believe the outburst was out-of-character for Minister Lewis,'' the ministry said in a statement. ``The minister has apologized and agreed to seek counseling.''

Sources close to the Jabali High Command say Minister Lewis apparently had dangerously mixed cognac and espresso, known as a `Low-Rent Speedball' and was not in full command of his faculties.

Lewis repeatedly taunted two bearded bar patrons he suspected of being Amish, witnesses said.

``Hey, hey, what's this? `Clip, clop, clip, clop. Bang!? An Amish drive-by shooting,'' Lewis reportedly said.

``Wait, wait, I've got another one. How about the Amish guys who went to a strip bar and started chanting `Put it on, put it all on!''' Lewis also said, according to witnesses.

Despite being asked to leave, Lewis persisted, at one point exclaiming, ``Hey, let's post these jokes to a website, they'll never see it.''

Lewis eventually left after the bartender threatened to call police, witnesses said.

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The Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them.
( Reply )

Re: Jason won't lose job for Anti-Amish remarks
by Mind your business on Friday February 16, @06:51PM

How come Jason didn't apologize himself in that article. Where is he? Re-education camp I'm afraid.

[ Reply to this ]

Re: Jason won't lose job for Anti-Amish remarks
by jason on Saturday February 24, @03:12AM

i'll apologize when the damn Amish apologize for raising that barn on my foot. I was on crutches for a month!

the Amish can kiss my technologically adavanced ass... and if there are any Amish reading this... you're going to burn in hell for using the internet! how do ya like them apples?!?

i like my technology, and if the amish can't be bothered to check their email, who needs them?

Posted by Alex at 06:36 PM
February 12, 2001
^O'Malley's Mouth: Special prosecutor, not tirades needed<

Posted by Alex Dominguez on Monday February 12, @10:20PM

from the Taste of his own medicine dept.

A JNS News Analysis

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ Mayor Martin O'Malley should shut his God-damn mouth and get back to what the people of this city elected him to do _ lower the crime rate and not bitch at city prosecutors.

If O'Malley doesn't know how to govern, he should get off his ass and get the hell out of office and let someone who knows what to do take over.

O'Malley has inherited a city with two brand-new stadiums, a revitalized Power Plant complex, and a brand-new hotel opening up (all thanks to his predecessor).

Even the Ravens get into the Super Bowl, but does he showcase the city? No, he sticks his God-damn foot in his big mouth at every turn.

His housing commissioner gets arrested for verbally abusing suspected homosexuals the same week the mayor announces the city's murder rate is dropping. So, O'Malley has to spend half the week making mealy-mouthed apologies.

Then he loses lots of air time during Super Bowl week covering up for his verbal abuse of the city's top prosecutor _ a black woman.

That tirade prompts hundreds of black women _ the key demographic group that put him in office over two black candidates despite misgivings by some about his zero-tolerance crime approach _ to turn out at City Hall.

Not exactly, the kind of event a resurgent city trying sell itself as a nice friendly place to live wants to put into the national media spotlight.

I don't give a Goddamn if the mayor wants to be governor, senator, president, whatever. If he can't further his political ambitions without making this city seem like some political backwater he should take a time-out and go see Miss Manners.

Capice? Stunad. How many times do we in the media have to tell you to play nice, and get along. No one believes you're that upset about cleaning up the police.

If you really cared about cleaning up the police force you wouldn't bitch when the prosecutor drops a case against an officer because evidence in the case was stolen from police files.

You would go out and ask the state special prosecutor or the Justice Department, or some other independent prosecutor to look into the case.

Posted by Alex at 10:20 PM