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April 10, 2000
Rebel Insurgency Holds Down Jabali 3rd Quarter Earnings

from the Those Lousy Bastards! dept.
BALTIMORE (JNS) __Jabali third quarter net income rose three percent, the global pork, coffee and tobacco purveyor announced Thursday, noting rebel insurgency in the Timor Islands and roast pork shipping delays in Afghanistan kept the empire from setting another earnings record.

Taliban forces stopped three shipments of crispy-skinned, wood-fired oven roasted pork shoulders from reaching stores in Afghanistan, where Jabali forces have been converting the public to the joys of Cuban sandwiches for three years.

Same store sales, or revenues for stores open at least a year _ a closely watched measure of growth _ increased 2 percent, but the shipping delays caused losses or delays in the opening of 10 new Afghani stores.

In East Timor, several shipments of organic Sumatra were delayed by fighting by rebels, hurting empire-wide coffee sales.

``Jabali, being a global empire, is constantly planning for contingencies involving supply chain disruption, and is of course prepared to make adjustments, where necessary, as our shareholders would expect, Jabali spokesman Bert Cerdo said.

Earnings for the quarter were $1.2 billion, or $1.44 a share, up from $1.16 billion, or $1.40 a share, for the same quarter a year earlier.

Sales were $2.45 billion, up from $2.3 billion for the third quarter of 1998.

For the first nine months of the year, earnings were $3.7 billion, or $4.27 a share, up from $3.6 billion, or $4.18 a share.

Jabali operates 5,732 stores worldwide, including two Jabali megastores in La Coruna, Spain and Ulan Batur, Mongolia, selling a variety of vice-related provisions, including coffee, tobacco and pork and pork-related products.

Posted by Alex at 02:32 AM
Temps could hit -200

Real scientists confirm JNS story
From the it could happen, really dept.
WHITE HORSE, Yukon Territory (JNS) _ You heard it here first, Jabali News Service readers.

A British researcher has confirmed what JNS first reported last summer, temperatures could hit -200. The cause? An eruption that could plunge the earth into a volcanic winter, the BBC reports.

Sooner or later, a super volcano will send temperatures plunging, according to the BBC television program ``Horizon.''

One so-called supervolcano at Yellowstone national park is overdue for an eruption.
While the Yellowstone volcano has erupted roughly once every 600,000 years, it last spewed forth 640,000 years ago.

Professor Bill McGuire, of the Benfield Greig Hazard Research Centre at University College, London, told BBC News Online: "We're getting ready for another eruption, unless the system has blown itself out.''

Dr. Ted Nield, of the Geological Society of London, told the BBC that such an eruption could have the same effect as a nuclear winter, or an asteroid strike.

``You can try diverting an asteroid. But there is nothing at all you can do about a supervolcano,'' Nield told the BBC.

"The effects could last four or five years, with crops failing and the whole ecosystem breaking down. And it is going to happen again some day."

The Geological Society is urging more research into the issue, the BBC reported.

Posted by Alex at 02:21 AM
April 09, 2000
Strange Cult Descends on Annapolis

from the shorn-scalp dept.
ANNAPOLIS, Md. (JNS) _ Hundreds of teen-agers descend on this otherwise sleepy state capital each June, shaving their heads and donning strange clothes as part of an annual ritual, sources say.

The recruits talk of four hard years of preparation before they will board `ships' for foreign lands. Others say they hope to fly smaller craft into space, and many readily admit they may be killed, but act unconcerned about that prospect. Their parents in many cases willingly bring them to the walled compound.

The June induction of the teens, known as `plebes,' is an annual recruiting event for the group, known to its members as `The Navy,' sources say.

Members have been responsible for thousands, if not millions of deaths, at home and abroad, and its influence reaches into the highest levels of power.

Former president Jimmy Carter and independent presidential candidate Ross Perot rank among its members, JNS has learned.

"The Navy is one of the largest military organizations in the world, and has an immense budget and facilities worldwide, a source told JNS.

In addition to their training, recruits also engage in unusual activities such as climbing a greased, stone phallic symbol to retrieve a hat place at its top by more senior members of the group.

Despite its history, members of the community act unaware, or unconcerned about the activities of the youths behind the walls of the compound they call "The Academy."

The leader of the group is a shadowy figure most have not met and few could recognize, but who is followed blindly. The leader, known mostly as "The Admiral," answers in turn to another called "The President," but many speak disdainfully of him, calling him "Billary," sources say.

Despite often derogatory remarks, the president often speaks highly of the group, perhaps out of fear, calling its members brave and loyal defenders of the country. These accolades aside, one deposed president once spoke out against the cult, which he described as part of a larger military industrial complex.

Others say the cult is a drain on national resources which could be better used elsewhere, and needs to be constantly watched.

"Remember, absolute power corrupts absolutely," a source told JNS.

Posted by Alex at 02:35 AM
April 02, 2000
Jabali Empire claims iceberg as sovereign nation

BERGBURG, Great Jabalian (JNS)_ Forces of the Jabali Empire today declared a 1,000-square mile iceberg that broke away from Antarctica a sovereign nation fully aligned with the growing empire.

The world should not need anymore proof than the secession of this territory from the Antarctic mainland that the breakaway republic is yearning to become part of the Greater Jabali Empire, the Ministry of Information said. The announcement was made in a statement released by the Jabali News Service and via Radio Free Jabali.

``The people of this sovereign nation, which they have declared shall be called Gran Jabalana, or Great Jabalian in English, have expressed their desire to live in freedom and meet the challenges and responsibilities of that decision,'' the statement said. ``The Greater Jabali Empire will do everything in its power to help them fulfill their destiny.''

Forces were mopping up scattered resistance in the southern Jabalonia region, where troops aligned with the Evil Trout had attempted to establish a puppet Communist regime.

``These enemies of freedom shall not be allowed to prevent the rightful citizens of Great Jabalian from living out their lives in productive peace,'' the Ministry of Information said.

Scientists said the territory was shrinking slightly as it drifted into warmer waters, but were confident a solution could be found to prevent further shrinkage.

The territory is the second giant iceberg that has broken off from Antarctica recently. Jabali forces did not land on the first, which they hope will act as a demilitarized buffer zone for the second.

The new iceberg lies to the north and east of Roosevelt Island and is 80 miles by 12 miles (130 km by 20 km). The larger iceberg is 183 miles by 23 miles (295 km by 37 km), roughly the size of Jamaica.

Large icebergs are breaking off of Antarctica for several reasons, including global warming.

Antarctica consists mainly of ice sheets with no ground underneath. The shrinking of the ice sheets would not only raise ocean levels but could shift ocean circulation and weather patterns.

Posted by Alex at 02:26 AM