Posted by Guy Lombardo on Tuesday November 28, @09:33PM

from the It was only a matter of time dept.

OTTAWA (JNS) _ Al Gore and Joe Lieberman have asked the Supreme Court to include votes from Canada's recent federal election in the U.S. presidential election, noting Canadians vacation so frequently in Florida they should be counted as citizens.
``Why do you think Florida has all these hockey teams? Coincidence? I think not,'' Lieberman said.

Gore and Lieberman were popular write-in candidates during the recently concluded Canadian election, and many want to live in the U.S., especially Florida, Lieberman said.

``These voters spend a significant amount of time in Florida, certainly as much as many U.S. military personnel or those who live part-time in New York or Israel,'' Lieberman said.

Gore asked the Supreme Court to rule quickly before the spring thaw melts some Yukon votes, which were etched in ice, the so-called arctic butterfly ballot.

Gore and Lieberman have been asking for recounts of the Florida presidential election, the key to winning the White House.

Posted by Deep Throat on Friday November 24, @03:53PM

from the keep this under your hat dept.

War Crimes Monitoring Conspiracy Theory Wins 2000 CONNIE Award=

^By ALEX DOMINGUEZ=
^Jabali News Service=

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ An anonymous source who alerted the Jabali News Service to the existence of a joint NSA-CIA ``Avoid War Crimes Tribunal'' mind control program is the winner of the first annual CONNIE Award. The award is the first of a planned annual awards program for the best conspiracy theory brought to the attention of the Jabali News Service.

A memo detailing the NSA-CIA program was faxed to the Baltimore bureau of a prominent wire service, where it was immediately dismissed by editors, who apparently have been co-opted by the shadow government.

The NSA-CIA entry was made just before the Thanksgiving deadline, beating out the Israel-China arms deal conspiracy theory touted by Jabali Emperor Alex Dominguez.

While the Israel-China theory, which details Israeli hush money to the Gore campaign in exchange for turning a blind-eye to the arms deals, is more probable, JNS editors felt the NSA-CIA offer more story-line possibilities.

``This is much fresher, and open to so many more possibilities,'' said one editor, who did not wish to be identified.

Dominguez removed himself from the voting because his theory was one of the frontrunners for the prize.

The secret memo refers to ``mind control and manipulation techniques on subjects of monitor.''

``We do not have authorization from Congress or Senate. The devices are wireless and cannot be detected; the laws and regulations do not apply,'' the memo reads.

The intended recipient of the memo is instructed to keep subjects awake until mental fatigue sets in and then ``schedule a hearing and invite foreign observers,'' who must be from authorized countries that have applied for U.S. foreign aid.

Lieberman volunteers to be GOP VP if needed

Posted by Joe Lieberman on Wednesday November 22, @09:54AM

from the Not far from the truth dept.

WASHINGTON (JNS) _ Joe Lieberman said Wednesday that he was ready to fill in as vice president under George W. Bush if needed.

Lieberman, who ran for vice president on the Democratic ticket, will not be without work if Al Gore loses the presidential election because he also ran for Senate in Connecticut, where he was elected.

Lieberman, however, said he really wants to be vice president, and was willing to fill in for Dick Cheney if Cheney can not serve because of heart problems.

``This is something that, in my heart, I know I've wanted to do for a long time,'' Lieberman said.

Lieberman has been seen as the driving force behind the recount effort in Florida.

Cheney suffered chest pains Wednesday morning and was hospitalized for tests, the Bush campaign said.

Cheney, 59, had three heart attacks more than a decade ago, but his doctors said he was healthy enough to run with Bush.

The Jabali News Service reported last week that the Gore team is desperately seeking to keep the White House in Democratic hands because Bush can't be counted on to keep secret Israeli arms deals to China under wraps.

Sources tell JNS that Bush is known to be a loose cannon, who can't be bought and can't keep his mouth shut. Moreover, there are concerns that the growing enmity between Gore and Bush will prompt Bush to make the arms sales public even though they could harm his administration as well.

The deals reportedly included campaign donations by Israeli arms interests to the Democratic campaign in exchange for turning a blind eye to the deals.

China promised earlier this week not to sell missiles or components to countries developing nuclear weapons. The commitment helped calm concerns in the United States that China has been providing countries such as Pakistan, Iran and North Korea with missile technology.

A CIA report released in August said Chinese firms have sent missile-related parts, raw materials and provided other aid to Iran, North Korea and Libya.

China has been seeking to modernize it's huge military, and Israel has been seeking to grab a piece of that market. The U.S. has publicly opposed a number of Sino-Israeli deals, but in reality has looked the other way on a number of others, the source told JNS.

Israel reportedly began secret sales of arms to China in 1980, 12 years before the two countries established diplomatic relations, and has made billions, mostly from tank and aircraft upgrades.

However, the market dried up around 1993 and the Israelis have been eager to renew the sales. China and Israel have refused to discuss their dealings, but the U.S. publicly opposed the sale of AWACS airborne radar planes by Israel to China earlier this year.

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The stories they couldn't keep you from reading

Posted by Your Emperor on Friday November 17, @10:03AM

from the Can't keep us down dept.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Here's the text of the full story JNS put out using its vast e-mail list on Thursday as the shadow govt. was trying to suppress this information. Since then, Dack McSwain has confirmed the report saying ``Everything isn't always what it seems...''

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ The shadow government hacked the Jabali web site to prevent the release of a Jabali News Service report about ties between Israeli arms sales to China and the Gore campaign.

Emperor Alex Dominguez immediately said he suspected neighborhood secret agent Dack McSwain, who publicly dismissed the report.

``He's paranoid, no one believes that stuff,'' McSwain said.

However, Jabali systems administrator Halcyon Skinner said the hacker, or hackers, were extremely sophisticated and had been able to plant a backdoor in the Empire's command and control system. Further attacks are still possible, but Skinner said ``we will know how to respond'' if hackers strike again.

The hackers diverted all attempts to access the Jabali web site to eBay, the popular online auction site. The Jabali site was unavailable from Wednesday afternoon to Thursday afternoon.

Skinner said the backdoor had been in place for some time, and he was not sure why the site was brought down on Wednesday. The hacking occurred as the Jabali News Service was preparing to post an article on the ongoing Florida recount in the presidential election. JNS reported that the Gore team is desperately seeking to keep the White House in Democratic hands because Texas Gov. George W. Bush can?t be counted on to keep the secret arms deals under wraps.

Sources tell JNS that Bush is known to be a loose cannon, who can't be bought and can't keep his mouth shut. Moreover, there are concerns that the growing enmity between Gore and Bush will prompt Bush to make the arms sales public even though they could harm his administration as well. The deals reportedly included campaign donations by Israeli arms interests to the Democratic campaign in exchange for turning a blind eye to the deals.

While McSwain publicly disavowed any knowledge of the hacking or the Chinese arms deal, sources say he tried to convince his superiors to ignore the issue, fearing such hacking would only draw attention to the claims.

``He's just making this stuff up in his spare time. If he hits on the truth, who's going to believe him? But no, they think he's got some inside line, so they post me here, to Baltimore, and now I've got to hang out in that stupid coffee shop trying to keep him off track,'' McSwain said.

``What's worse is, he hits it on the head and they go ape-shit, so I've got to hack the site, and now he's got more story line for his stupid little soap opera and people think it's funny, so he's actually getting the story out. Jesus Christ, do you believe this shit? And I could be out somewhere actually doing some wet-ops, but, no, I've got to be here babysitting this guy.''

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Posted by Cancer Man on Thursday November 09, @04:04PM

from the Vox populi dept.

By ALEX DOMINGUEZ
JNS Special Correspondent

BALTIMORE (JNS) _ Supporters of president-elect? George W. Bush took to streets nationwide Thursday, chanting ``Maximus, Maximus!''

The chant refers to the hit-film ``Gladiator,'' in which a popular Roman general sold into slavery manages to remain alive by winning over the crowd in the Coliseum, which begins to chant his name, preventing Caesar from killing him.

``I think this speaks to deep-seated confusion among the electorate in discriminating between reality and the popular media,'' said Xavier Presciente, a psychology professor at Brown University.

``This is compounded by the feeling among some that the Hollywood media elite has had too much influence on Washington politics.''

Presciente noted the presence of actor and director Rob Reiner in Nashville election night, where he was reportedly seeking out Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore at 5 a.m. Wednesday in case he wanted ``company.''

``Such incidents confuse the voter,'' Presciente said. ``This chanting could be seen as a subconscious emanation of concern about undue manipulation by the media elite, a sort of cry to let the people have their voices heard.''

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