Welcome to Jabali News Service Politics Arts & Entertainment Evil Schemes Pork Products
August 09, 2002
Taliban rebels dampen Jabali Q3 earnings

By Emperor Jabalia on Saturday September 22, @07:50PM
from the Slowly, but surely dept.

BALTIMORE (JNS) __Jabali third-quarter net income rose three percent, the global pork, coffee and tobacco purveyor announced Thursday, noting rebel insurgency in the Timor Islands and roast pork shipping delays in Afghanistan kept the empire from setting another earnings record.

Taliban forces stopped three shipments of crispy-skinned, wood-fired oven roasted pork shoulders from reaching stores in Afghanistan, where Jabali forces have been converting the public to the joys of Cuban sandwiches for three years.

Same store sales, or revenues for stores open at least a year _ a closely watched measure of growth _ increased 2 percent, but the shipping delays caused losses or delays in the opening of 10 new Afghani stores.

In East Timor, several shipments of organic Sumatra were delayed by fighting by rebels, hurting empire-wide coffee sales.

``Jabali, being a global empire, is constantly planning for contingencies involving supply chain disruption, and is of course prepared to make adjustments, where necessary, as our shareholders would expect,’’ Jabali spokesman Bert Cerdo said.

Earnings for the quarter were $1.2 billion, or $1.44 a share, up from $1.16 billion, or $1.40 a share, for the same quarter a year earlier.

Sales were $2.45 billion, up from $2.3 billion for the third quarter of 1998.

For the first nine months of the year, earnings were $3.7 billion, or $4.27 a share, up from $3.6 billion, or $4.18 a share.

Jabali operates 5,732 stores worldwide, including two Jabali megastores in La Coruna, Spain and Ulan Batur, Mongolia, selling a variety of vice-related provisions, including coffee, tobacco and pork and pork-related products.

Posted by Alex at 12:13 AM
August 08, 2002
Gandhi Time: Palestinians should take moral high ground

By El Conde on Saturday October 13, @12:03AM
from the Who cares if it's a pipedream dept.

RAMALLAH, West Bank (JNS) _ Palestinian intellectuals are calling on Yasser Arafat to seize the opportunity presented by the United States’ coalition-building needs and take the moral high-ground with a nonviolent push for immediate statehood.
``I’m talking about some good, old-time, Gandhi-style, nonviolent, passive resistance,’’ said Ibrahim al Salam, a political science professor at the University of Palestine. ``A salt march to the sea, maybe a hunger strike for the victims of the World Trade Center and the intifada, but no rock throwing, no chanting, no flag burning.’’

``It’s time to turn the other cheek, and our back on terrorists. That’s the way we can show gratitude for recognition of our statehood.’’

Full cooperation with the hunt for terrorists will also show the United States that Palestine is willing to be a good neighbor on the international scene. Peaceful rallies, perhaps a nonviolent march in violation of travel restrictions, will show Palestinians are determined to have their own country, but are willing to live side-by-side with Israel, and even allow Israeli settlers to remain as Palestinian citizens.

``Hell, we might even throw in a love-in, 60s style,’’ al Salam said. ``If they mow us down, we’ll all be martyrs in paradise, but with a `Love American Style’ twist.’’

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon could not be reached for comment. Foreign Minister Shimon Peres said he was a great admirer of Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King, and was encouraged by the remarks.

``Remember what Martin Luther King said: `Gandhi was inevitable. If humanity is to progress, Gandhi is inescapable. He lived, thought and acted, inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony. We may ignore Gandhi at our own risk."

Posted by Alex at 11:49 PM