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April 27, 2002
Real scientists confirm JNS report: Bread a pernicious narcotic

By Alex Dominguez on Saturday April 27, @09:21PM
from the what did I tell you? dept.
BALTIMORE (JNS) _ You heard it here first folks, Swedish researchers have confirmed what the Jabali News Service first reported in November _ bread is a dangerous uncontrolled substance.

Cancer-causing agents known as acrylamides form when bread is baked, the Swedish National Food Administration reported Tuesday.

``The discovery that acrylamide is formed during the preparation of food ... is new knowledge,’’ said researcher Leif Busk.

Acrylamide could be responsible for hundreds of Sweden’s 45,000 cancer cases each year, the researchers said.

The report follows the November announcement by researchers at the Hanoi-based Mekong Delta Institute that bread is actually an addictive, pernicious narcotic.

The study of 15,000 adult males over four years in six Western European countries found more than 99 percent were addicted to various forms of highly processed, fermented wheat.

While long used in its less dangerous whole form by indigenous tribes who cultivated small plots for personal consumption, the cultivation, processing and marketing of bleached, refined wheat is now controlled by several huge cartels.

Among their findings:

_ Half of all bread eaters score below average on standardized tests.

_ 95 percent of all crimes occur within a day of eating bread.

_ Most addicts feed their habits three-to-four times daily, leaving little time to do anything other than sleep off their fix.

In addition to violent behavior, long-term use can lead to obesity, diabetes, lethargy, brain damage and fetishism, particularly a fascination with the female breast.

The study was funded by the Kato Institute, a joint program of the Japanese Ministry of Agriculture, the Pan-Vietnamese Economic Development Corporation and Uncle Ben's.

Posted by Alex at 09:21 AM
April 25, 2002
Bush Takes Abdullah for ride in Pickup 1

By Alex Dominguez
from the it-really-happened-this-time dept.

CRAWFORD, Texas (JNS) _ Following up on the highly successful tour of his ranch on John Deere 1 with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President Bush drove Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia around the spread Thursday in Pickup 1.

Bush had considered taking the crown prince for a ride also on the tractor, but concerns that his robes might become entangled in the machinery prompted the president to decide on Pickup 1.

``We offered him some jeans and a cowboy hat, but he said he was pretty sure he knew how to dress for a hot, dry climate,’’ Bush said.

Like the Blair visit, the tour was also a success, lasting more than five hours, even though the two had to communicate through a translator.

"We saw a wild turkey, which was good," Bush said in broken English.

As with Blair, Abdullah also wasn’t willing to stick around and plow under the back 40 acres Bush recently bought from the neighboring I-Rack Ranch. Abdullah, however, said he was interested in helping root out varmints from the western bank of a stream that runs through the property.

Bush declined the offer, but said he expects that job will be finished soon, and was pleased that the Saudi prince offered to fill the tank, if needed.

The crown prince did not comment to the media.

Posted by Alex at 08:48 AM
April 15, 2002
Arafat abandons suicide bombing, sets up toll booths

By Alex Dominguez
from the creative cruelty dept.

RAMALLAH, West Bank (JNS) _ Palestinian President Yasser Arafat ordered the State Highway Administration on Monday to install toll booths on all roads leading to Israeli settlements.

``The only way to prevent suicide bombings and other acts of terror is to provide hope to our people,’’ Arafat said. ``Toll-booth collector is an honorable profession.’’

The Palestinian leader said he was confident few of his people had seen ``The Godfather,’’ and Israeli motorists should feel safe approaching the toll booths.

For those concerned about their safety, high-speed EZPass lanes and booths will be constructed.

The toll will be $1, or $1,000 a month for the unlimited use EZPass. Revenues will be used to build homes for displaced Palestinians, Arafat said.

``Israeli commuting does not come cheap,’’ Arafat said.

Posted by Alex at 08:45 PM
April 05, 2002
Bush takes Blair for ride on John Deere 1

By Will Rogers
from the down-home-on-the-farm dept.

CRAWFORD, Texas (JNS) _ President Bush rolled out the red carpet for British Prime Minister Tony Blair on Saturday, taking him for a ride on John Deere 1.
After meeting with his protocol advisers, Bush decided against a tour of his ranch in Pickup 1.

``Although it’s only a one-seater, we thought it would provide more of the authentic ranch experience,’’ White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said.

Unlike the current military campaign in Afghanistan, Bush and Blair took turns driving the tractor with the other standing on the sideboard.

Bush had proposed plowing under the back 40 acres he had recently purchased from the neighboring I-Rack ranch, but Blair has objected, saying their schedule is already too tight.

``While we realize this is a job that must be taken care of, this is not the right time, considering the pressing issues in Israel and Palestine,’’ Blair said.

Posted by Alex at 11:29 AM