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March 14, 2002
Quantum blink insurance now available

By Alex Dominguez
from the could happen dept.

WAXAHACHIE, Texas (JNS) _ A coalition of insurers has formed a partnership to provide so-called ``quantum blink'' coverage.

The coverage will protect business and home owners against the possibility the universe could blink out of existence if all of its quantum particles aligned.

While unlikely, the possibility exists, and scientists need to learn more, researchers at the Superconducting Supercollider Institute reported last week.

``Such a quantum blink would be catastrophic,'' lead researcher Lorentz Heisenberg said. ``We owe it to ourselves to learn more about this.''

SSI is seeking $14 billion to construct a massive supercollider to study that possibility as well as other areas of particle physics.

The smallest particles of matter are known to blink in and out of existence, transferring back-and-forth from energy to matter. If all the particles in the universe made the switch at the same time, life as we know it would end in an instantaneous fireball similar to the Big Bang that is believed to have created the universe.

Researchers have been toying for years with the spooky rules of quantum mechanics, prompting particles to jump from various states as they are observed by the outside world.

The mechanics of the transfer from matter to energy are unknown, but it holds the promise of unlimited energy and unbridled disaster if such a reaction ever ran astray, Heisenberg said.

A smaller blink may have responsible for 1908 Tunguska blast in Siberia that leveled trees for miles. Current quantum physics research also raises the possibility of an accidental blink, said Damian Rhee, a spokesman for Continental Insurance.

``You can never be too sure,'' Rhee said. ``Our policy will give you peace of mind.''

Posted by Alex at 09:40 AM
March 10, 2002
Bush declares ``Axis of Elvis:’’ Miss., Tenn., Ala.

By Alex Dominguez
from the Weapons of Mass Consumption dept.

TUPELO, Miss. (JNS) _ Mississippi, Tennessee and Alabama were declared the ``Axis of Elvis’’ on Thursday by President Bush for their continued development of weapons of mass consumption.

``While doctors and other people have been telling Americans for years that fat kills, retailers, restaurants and consumers in these three states continue to purchase and serve high-fat foods,’’ the president said at an appearance before a faith-based charity umbrella group.

Restaurant inspectors said they have frequently found industrial quantities of mayonnaise, hamburger, and even peanut butter in the three states.

Even healthy foods such as catfish and chicken breast were frequently found to be fried and served with a dipping sauce that was often little more than mayonnaise. In many cases, restaurants were not open when inspectors arrived, leaving inspectors no way to determine what was being served and how it was prepared.

``Despite years of warnings, these practices continue, against their own people. Something has to be done, even if we have to act alone,’’ Bush said.

Former President Clinton played down the concerns, noting any food can be enjoyed healthfully in moderation, and said he would push for pardons if charges are filed.

``I feel yorgh pehcnrgh, excuse me,’’ the former president said, wiping his lips.

Posted by Alex at 05:24 PM