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November 26, 2001
Millions hooked on bread, researchers find

By Jasmine Arborio on Monday November 26, @08:06AM
from the Hey, wait a minute dept.
HANOI (JNS) _ Bread, long believed to be the staff of life, is actually an addictive, pernicious narcotic, researchers at the Mekong Delta Institute reported Friday.

A study of 15,000 adult males over four years in six Western European countries found more than 99 percent were addicted to various forms of highly processed, fermented wheat.

While long used in its less dangerous whole form by indigenous tribes who cultivated small plots for personal consumption, the cultivation, processing and marketing of bleached, refined wheat is now controlled by several huge cartels, the researchers reported Friday.

Among their findings:

_ Half of all bread eaters score below average on standardized tests.

_ 95 percent of all crimes occur within a day of eating bread.

_ Most addicts feed their habits three-to-four times daily, leaving little time to do anything other than sleep off their fix.

In addition to violent behavior, long-term use can lead to obesity, diabetes, lethargy, brain damage and fetishism, particularly a fascination with the female breast.

More funding is needed for research and public awareness and education campaigns, the researchers said.

The study was funded by the Kato Institute, a joint program of the Japanese Ministry of Agriculture, the Pan-Vietnamese Economic Development Corporation and Uncle Ben's.

Posted by Alex at 08:06 AM
November 18, 2001
Random people walk into Jabali

By Pete Carlson on Sunday November 18, @09:19PM
from the It must be a conspiracy dept.

Shortly after 8 Pm last night, a group of random people walked into the heart of the Jabali Empire demanding to be allowed to watch the Simpsons. This transpired shortly after The Emperor commented on the lack of random women in the Jabali as of late. The amazing timing suggests the shadow government at work in a desperate attempt to distract the Jabali from uncovering whatever conspiracy they must have been about to uncover.

Posted by Alex at 09:19 AM